The Goodness of Good Friday: Reflections From A Hospital Bed

One time a young girl asked me if God existed why was there suffering in the world. I could have answered with some theological or apologetic response, but I knew that in her case her question was an emotional one. I answered her with an honest, emotional response. I told her that we can’t always know why, but I would rather believe that there’s a God who uses our suffering for his good purposes. That I’d rather believe one day we’ll understand why we or someone else suffered and that suffering will come to an end. The alternative would mean to believe that there’s no God and suffering is utterly meaningless and indifferent. In that kind of world there would be no current hope and no future justice.

This Good Friday I woke up in a hospital. I’ve been here 10 days. While I’m not in much physical pain aside from being sore from bed rest and feeling a bit sleep deprived, this experience has me keenly aware of the suffering in the world. Due to some pregnancy complications, which you can read about in my previous post, my baby and I have to be constantly monitored. Every day I wake up, I thank God for another day she has remained in my womb. This is something that I imagine many pregnant women take for granted. I never expected a complicated pregnancy. I’m young and healthy. Even if there were some complications, I never would have imagined they’d be this significant, requiring hospitalization for weeks and months. I sit here and ask myself, “Why is this happening? Why would God allow this?” It would be easy to allow myself to be driven to fear and despair, but I find myself calm and at peace because of one simple truth; I don’t have the answers right now but I’m confident that this is not meaningless.

I mentioned earlier that today is Good Friday. In the Christian world, we commemorate what happened at Calvary. While the cross is central to our faith every day, this is a special day set aside specifically for this purpose. At the cross we see the epitome of suffering. Jesus, who is himself God and the embodiment of goodness, suffers at the hands of the people he was sent to save. This was not some unexpected plot twist though, it was not a wrench in the plans, it was God’s plan all along. The Father sent his one and only Son and the Son willingly went to suffer and lay down his life for the sake of hard-hearted, sinful, rebellious people. The greatest expression of God’s goodness and love is displayed on an instrument of torture. As sinners, every one of us deserve the punishment Christ received, instead he took the punishment on our behalf, saving us from judgement. Not only do we not receive the punishment we deserve, but we receive the righteousness we don’t deserve. His righteousness is now ours if we are united to him in faith. Calvary is the ultimate example of how God can use suffering for good purposes. It is through the suffering of Christ that we receive the greatest gift ever offered.

So this morning I wake up and I know that I’m not alone in my suffering. My God knows what it’s like to suffer. Jesus wept when Lazarus died, he had compassion when he was face to face with the sick, lame, and demon-possessed, he saw the evil in the human heart, and he himself suffered. In Isaiah 53:3 says that Jesus was a “man of sorrows” and “acquainted with grief.” Yet the Bible also says that for the joy set before him Jesus endured the cross. He knew there would be a greater joy coming through his suffering. Today, if you’re suffering know that Jesus understands your pain and anguish. Believe that we can have joy in the midst of pain because we know God is working.

As I told that young girl, I’d rather believe there is purpose in the pain. That there’s a greater joy coming after my suffering, after your suffering. It won’t always make sense now, but I can count on this promise, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28) In the meantime, I wait and I trust.

Hoping Against Hope

Tuesdays. What comes to mind when you think about Tuesdays? Normal, average, and for many it’s just another day of work. Not quite as drab as Monday, but certainly not as exciting as a Friday. As mundane as a Tuesday can be, for my family, this past Tuesday was anything but, it was life-altering.

The day began normal enough. It was after lunch while sitting at my desk when I felt a sudden sensation. “What was that!?” Immediately I began to reassure myself and assuage panic. I was 22 weeks and 3 days pregnant at the time. This is my first pregnancy and if you’ve ever been pregnant before you understand how easy it is to worry about every symptom, but this was different.

I got to the restroom as quickly as I could. I confirmed my suspicions, called my doctor’s office, and drove myself there. On the way I tried to remain calm and began to pray.

I arrived at the office. An exam was performed, tests were done, and ultrasound completed. At first the doctor acknowledged a “mixed picture,” but by the end of my visit he felt confident that what I had experienced was just a bladder spasm. I left feeling relieved, maybe a bit embarrassed, and definitely exhausted. That was it and I headed home to take a nap and sleep this off.

That’s exactly what I tried to do. Once I was home, I put on my pajamas and laid on the couch. Then that sensation again, and then again, and again. The office was closed so I called the on-call doctor. Before I knew it I was at the hospital. More exams, more tests. My husband was there by the time the doctor broke the news. At 22 weeks and 3 days my membranes were ruptured, in other words, my water broke.

The condition is called PPROM or Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes. I’ll spare you the medical details. I was informed that at that gestational age, if the baby was born, there was nothing they could do to save her life. I could not begin any kind of treatment, except monitoring, until I reached 23 weeks when the baby could be treated if born. I’m now sitting in a hospital bed at 23 weeks and 3 days. Every day that she remains in the womb is worthy of celebration. So far our baby and I are stable, healthy, and receiving treatment. We both require constant monitoring and I’m on bed rest. Here I’m to remain until my baby is born. The best outcome for our little girl would require me to stay in this hospital for 11 weeks at which point I would be induced at 34 weeks pregnant.

I have felt every negative emotion one can possibly feel this week, from shock and denial to soul-wrenching despair. We are in for a long ride, but despite it all I am thankful. Thankful for doctors and nurses. Thankful for family, friends, and our church who continue to rally around us with prayers, love, and support. Above all I am thankful to our Heavenly Father, our Great Savior Jesus Christ, and the Spirit that comforts us. Throughout this tumultuous week we have had our ups and downs, but we have had a continual peace that can only be explained by the power of God. He carried us along during those first few days, before I reached 23 weeks, and I know he will carry us through to the end.

By the way, from nearly the beginning of my pregnancy we already knew what her name would be. If we were to have a girl her name would be Grace. We didn’t know then how much more that name would mean to us now. So, please pray for us and especially for our little Grace. Every day counts for her, for her development and her chance of survival. There are no words to describe the love I feel for our precious daughter or how hard this has been. Each day I wake up I praise God for another day for her. It brings a whole new outlook to Lamentations 3:22-23, “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Every morning is a new mercy for us.

I didn’t want to get into too many details. My goal here was to provide a backdrop for future thoughts I would like to share. Writing is therapeutic for me and my hope is that it would encourage others who are going through the same thing or other hardships. Again, please pray for us.

The Problem of Worry-Session 3

There are times when we worry about the loss of a job and the terrible idea of ceasing to make an income! From there we can dive into all different arenas of worry, for example: the decline of our social status or the dreaded thought of how other people might view our lousy financial situation.

The Bible tells us: “keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “ Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”(Hebrews 13:5 NIV)

We will “NEVER” be——> Forsaken! By our Creator! In trouble we must honestly turn to King Jesus and say “Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.”(Psalm 25:16)

In return Jesus speaks to our troubled hearts “Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20)

Though we are restless in this world, we can find rest and will find rest in the One who “has born our griefs and carried our sorrows.” (Isaiah 53:4 ESV)

The Problem of Worry-Session 2

In the fourth chapter of the book of James, God breathes the question: “What is your life?” (James 4:14). Hmmmmm…. let us ponder that complex question for a moment…..

 

Ready?

Do you feel that your life consists of a list of entitlements or special privileges?

Do you decide how tall you will grow to be? (Matthew 6:27)

Do you know the exact day of your death?

 

The answer should be “No!” because God has “made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times and the boundaries of their habitation.”(Acts 17:26 NASB) The Lord is familiar with every single detail of your life. In the book of Psalms, King David cries aloud: “You have searched me Lord, and You know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways.”(Psalm 139:1-3 NIV)

 

Though we worry about so many trivial things and all the “what if’s?” remember Who is in control. He knows and understands the depths of our lives on this earth. That we “are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” (James 4:14) Thus we can do nothing greater than give ourselves fully to Christ and allow Him to mend our wearied hearts.

The Problem of Worry-Session 1

There is a big problem that plagues the heart of both men and women alike. A hint, it rhymes with blurry…

Have you guessed it? Maybe another hint will help. It starts with “W.” No, it’s not weary. Although if it’s not brought under control it will leave you weary, tired, spent, and depressed. Okay, time is up! The answer is WORRY! Yes! The five letter word that keeps us up at night. The reason for our anxiety and why we dread stepping out of the front door in the morning.

Worry makes our lives difficult. It deceives the human heart. When we worry we feel anxious or uneasy over an anticipated misfortune. It should not and does not have to be this way! Jesus clearly invites us to rest from our anxious minds and ever so softly says, “Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) When the Lord says that he will give you rest, He means it! You and I must make the choice to hold fast to His promise.

We also need to make the decision to flee from all of our worries. Our anxiety entangles us as a fly caught in a web or as an antelope’s neck caught in the mouth of a lion. Therefore, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7) The Lord has seen both you and I at our worst, yet he still calls out to us. “His sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground,” (Luke 22:44) the night before his death on the cross for us. Now we are free to say, “Why worry when he was raised for me?”

How can we begin to worry when Jesus’ grave was found empty? If we truly do believe with all of our heart and all of our soul that Christ was risen into glory and is seated at the right hand of God, then we must also believe our Lord when He says, “Do not worry about your life.” (Matthew 6:25)

Look Up

Every Good and Perfect Gift

I have heard it said that everyone should have at least one ancient friend. Not that C. H. Spurgeon is particularly ancient but he would be high up on my “ancient friend list.” Recently, we were visiting a Christian bookstore, they had a beautiful new edition of Spurgeon’s Morning and Evening Devotions. The price was too steep for me, so I admired the book and placed it back where it belonged.

On the way back home that same day we decided to make a stop at the local thrift store, something we do often. While perusing their books, lo and behold, a perfect condition and beautiful copy of the same book sitting there staring back at me. At a significantly lower price ($1.99), I was delighted!

I have really enjoyed sitting down with this book alongside my Bible reading. What I have enjoyed more is the blessing of God’s little gifts to us. Every time I pick it up, I’m reminded of God’s providence and how he weaves all things together. He didn’t have to provide this little gift for me, but he did out the abundance of his love. Small gifts are great encouragement to weary saints.

I hope my little blessing will make you consider yours. How blessed we are to have a God who enjoys giving good gifts to his children!

Labrador Hollow

El Shama: The God Who Hears

I petition you Lord save me from this place.

From this situation that’s weighing down my heart.

Forgive me Jesus, I’m a wretch in the worst way.

I plead tonight, that you calm this raging sea.

El Shama, Immanu’EL,

Please save in Yeshua’s mighty name!

Amen.

The Battlefield of Doubt

“Do you even believe any of this?” This thought, unbidden, stole into my mind again. I would gird myself up with spiritual armor and prepare to fight the battle for faith. I’ve come to expect these assaults from time to time now. I know I’m not alone.

The fight for faith has peppered my life as a Christian. While doubt is never good, I have learned that it can be used for our good. From doubting God’s promises to God’s very existence, whatever the source of doubt, the experience is painful and tumultuous. While not a quick fix solution, I would like to share the one thing I cling to when the battle is raging.

Towards the end of John chapter 6, we find Jesus explaining to his disciples that he is the bread of Heaven, the only source of eternal life sent by God the Father. The disciples begin to murmur among themselves how hard this teaching is to accept. Jesus confronts their unbelief. Many of these disciples turn back, abandoning Jesus and his teaching. Turning to the twelve, Jesus asks if they, too, want to leave. Simon Peter responds in verse 68, ““Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.””

Peter’s response is mine during times of deep doubt. The teaching may be hard and I still may have questions, but I can’t help but ask, “to whom shall I go?” When I consider the alternatives none are as satisfying as the truth found in Christ. No worldview answers more of my questions or satisfies my deepest needs as the world seen through Christ. As C.S. Lewis has said, “I believe in Christianity as I believe that the Sun has risen, not only because I see it but because by it, I see everything else.”

Doubt has caused me to seek answers to hard questions, now when my mind is assaulted I’m prepared with answers. I’m better equipped to help others who may have the same questions. It has refined my faith. The momentary affliction of doubt has left me stronger and more resilient. My faith has been tested and tried and my roots have only grown deeper into Christ.

Just one last word, be merciful to those who doubt as we are commanded in Jude 22. When we are merciful to the doubter we reflect the love of Christ, who showed himself to Thomas. Instead, the next time you or someone you know is experiencing doubt ask them, “to whom shall we go?” Where else do we turn? I’m certain you will find that Christ alone has the words of eternal life. When the battle is over you will be able to declare with Peter, and with me, about Jesus, “We have come to believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.”